Turn Over

helo,

been a while, huh?

I almost forget how, 

how to tell everything in a paragraph, in the book, in this safe place.

Dont you think I come back in the happiness?

Do you think I'll be here if its a happiness?

I know, Im not totally lost, but I am, lost.

And Im trying to find a way back.

I looking for it everywhere.

did I find it?

Do you think I'll be here if I find it?

I want to touch, I want to run, can not do it,

the drag path, the memories, the scent, the pain.

I mean, where I'm suppose to go?

I said Im lost.

I'm rotten.

I'm withering.

I'm drowning.

Truth or Dare

 

Now I got money but I don’t have much time.

I can go anywhere but I go alone.

I grow up but I can’t find a meaning.

Met many still walking on my own.

 

Now I see the wide world but my world is so small.

Yesterday I woke up and ready to fight the world.

Today I wake up and I overthink- everything.

 

Breath in, breath out.

 

The more I try to keep my mind up, the more I’m insane.

No I can’t breath, feels like I’m drowning.

And the fearless-child turn into the Fearness-person.

 

But don’t worry I still stand in my feet and against my own self.

 

I am not okay

I am fine...

is the most sentence that people said when they're really not fine.

cause there's no one would make it fine but yourself.

aku gak baik-baik aja loh sekarang. dulu masih bisa ke-distract banyak hal, banyak orang, banyak temen. sekarang aku terpenjara isi kepala sendiri. kamu pasti bakalan nanya, bagaimana rasa nya terpenjara pikiran? 

rasanya seperti kamu hidup tapi tidak, seperti kamu menjalani hari tapi tidak mengingat apapun yang terjadi hari itu, rasanya seperti kamu sedang ditakut-takuti banyak hal, rasanya seperti kamu ingin meneriaki siapapun yang berisik selain isi kepala, rasanya ada yang mau meluap di kepala, rasanya ingin menusukan sesuatu ke dada, rasanya tidak nyaman saat dada mu terus berdebar padahal kamu sedang ingin hidup dengan tenang, padahal kamu merasa baik-baik saja. Tapi ternyata kamu terus mengkhawatirkan banyak hal.

begitu kira-kira rasanya.

PAMALI

hi there, been a long time huh?

hm, I always got many things around my mind but when its start to touch on my fingger or trying to say something out my mouth, it suddenly appears. kaya makan es krim kebanyakan, terus otak lu tiba-tiba freeze.

Enggak juga sih, otak gue emang freeze mulu gak makan apa-apa juga.

Gimana? masih pada waras kan? I know, its a Pandemic, and what the @$%%$$?!

Never imagine before that I would live my life in the middle of the WOW SURPRISE, life told me. hidup gue sebelum pandemic aja udah kaya roller coaster, sekarang udah kaya roller coaster under water. Tolong jangan berkompetisi saat kalian baca tulisan ini, iya kalo ada yang baca itu juga. 

Kaya, lu mah mending rey, lah gue. Please, DONT. Cause im not trying to compare to anyone.

I know life been hard for everyone, and I wanna say thank you for those who've been choose to stay alive. It isnt easy I know. Me got panic attack many times, anxiety, un-stable mood, bad physical condition. And again, WOW! dulu gue masih bisa tau, gue pengennya ini pengennya itu, inginnya begini, inginnya begitu. Sekarang udah gatau. Gatau.

Media sosial pun rasanya udah gak terlalu bagus buat kesehatan diri sendiri. I do really need to filtering in it. Berlaku juga pada manusia-manusia tentunya. Masih angan-angan sih, belum bisa di realisasikan.

Jadi gimana? THE MOST RECENTLY ASKED QUESTION. 

Piye? ya gatau, saya kan ikan. 

Enggak dong, masa ikan, saya cumi bakar, pake nasi anget ya mbak. Loh, maaf out of topic.

Tapi pertanyaan nikah masih sering tanyain juga, rey? Masih dong. Apakah goals hidup manusia hanya menikah? kan tidak begitu sayang. Goals hidup saya adalah kaya raya seperti Rafathar. Jadi coba ganti nanti pertanyaanya jadi, Reyna kapan kamu kaya raya? 

Karena, mengingat dan menimbang, tolak ukur dan definisi kebahagian orang tidak akan pernah sama. Gue selalu happy sama temen-temen gue yang berkeluarga dan berbahagia, but doesnt mean I wanna be like them. Berbahagialah teman-teman, tapi jangan menjadikan kebahagianmu menjadi tolak ukur kebahagiaan orang lain juga.

Eh, jangan terlalu serius ya bunda, ini gue lagi ngomong sama sendiri ko. 

Yaudah yah, yang baca juga udah mulai males dan merasa ini tidak memiliki kemaslahatan.

See you, stay health.

What are you?

I need to finnish something. Something left behind.
I thought its something that I really need to finnish nor it will just become an un-finnish bussines.

"But everything is already done"
"What done is done"
"Theres no un-finnish things"
"You're just too late"
"It happened for too long, in the past"

Am I just asked for another chance? Nor I just want to let all gone with nothings left behind?
Or perhaps I hid from all the truth, said I need to tell them about the things but I just covering the fact.

I stand in between.
Stay on the the right or move to another side.

Then why are they keep coming to me? or it just me, who invite them to keep coming?
The doors closed but the cranny are still there.

"Listen to me"
"you owe me a thing"

Come as an angel and left as an evil.

"you owe me"
Words came out can't take back.

Push me to the valley.
Now Im in the abyss.

Who are you?
Nah, 

W h a t   a r e   y o u ?

Letter to myself

Dear me,

Why are you keep saying you're okay while you're not?

Hey, its okay to be not okay.

You're not a robbot anyway, yeah in case you forget.

I know, you must be keep asking why?

why?

why this sh*t happens to you. I know you must be angry. You thought you were already stay on the track, but then you realize you were not stay on any track, you're just out of all tracks. Now you need to find a way back but you dont know how to start. The matters isnt about to find a way, even you can build your own way back. But ofcourse the matters are you need to raise your spirit, make your dream, do your act again right from the first stage. Then you told yourself, you're not gonna do anything cause you just too tired to repeat it.

Its hard isnt it?

Yeah, you're head chaos. 

Nobody see it? Ofcourse they're not.

Can you do it?

What should you do?

What god wants you to be?

Why it happens to you?

And all those question and the theory keep going on your head. 

You might say, ah, Im falling into the bottom, deep deep deep deep down here and It just too far to reach up there.

But you know you can do it.

You've been there, many times, deep down there, but here you are, you can find way back to the top. The more you did, the more you can. Yeah, I know this all f'*ck is theory is so basic that you can find anywhere. But no one will do those sh*t things, unless you. 

Its okay to tears apart, its okay to bleed. You know you're alive.  

Human are nothing, we all know. But, to try something, to be something, its our own to choose.

H u j a n

hujan.

 
Sore ini, Sumedang lagi hujan.

Mengakibatkan cuaca yang dingin, dingin-dingin syahdu gitu. Enggak deh, dingin bikin masuk angin. But maybe a Cup of Coffee nor a cup of a hot tea nor it can be a cup of hot chocolate will be good for this kinda weather. Dan, karena sore ini sore hujan yang sejuk maka gue putuskan untuk berceritera tentang perasaan. 
Pengalaman perasaan lebih tepat nya. 
it can be any kind of feeling. Boleh kan?

I don't want to lose you, darling

This can't be the end

Hanging by a thread

Right over the edge

Promise me you're gonna hold on

Don't give up on me right now

And please just don't look down

Btw, gue lagi seneng banget dengerin lagu nya Secondhand Serenade yang ini. Ada yang tau ini penggalan lirik dari lagu apa? 
YEAP BENAR! Judul lagunya  don't look down. Kalo lagi ujan terus lagu ini kindly play as a random playlist, gue suka tibatiba melow gitu. Kaya, atuhlah plis naha sih bet lagu ieu? Padahal mah gak ada memori apa-apa juga. Sedih aja gitu lagunya teh kaya nyuruh, jangan menyerah atuh kamu teh kita kan udah sejauh ini. Gitulah kira-kira kalo diterjemahin jadi bahasa anak jaman sekarang.

Ngomong-ngomong soal perasaan, menurut gue itu adalah sebuah hal yang sangat random dan abstrak, you really don't know where it goes.

Perasaan apa dulu nih? Perasaan tentang apapun. 

Tentang kenyamanan, kesedihan, kepusingan, kemarahan- benar-benar apapun. Rasanya semua orang juga bakalan tau sama konsep ini. Iya sih, cuman kadang-kadang gue suka jadi terkagum-kagum sendiri dengan ke-random-an ini. Gue bener-bener gakan tau bisa tiba-tiba suka sama lagu-lagu yang gue pikir sebelumnya kaya gue ga bakalan suka sama lagu itu. Dan ini berlaku juga pada manusia.

Si rere anaknya emang seneng banget sama sesuatu yang berbau un-expected. Dan kayanya ucapan emang sering kali jadi doa. everythings happen in me, is an un-expected things. Bingung gak lo, mesti sedih apa bahagia? I can suddenly adore someone, falling love with someone just for no reason. For no reason banget sih enggak, tapi emang gak pernah ada alasan khusus. Jadi kalo nanya, ko suka sih sama dirinya?
I'll answer, I dont know, I just did.

Iya gak sih? Kalian pasti pernah begitu juga kan?

Tapi dibalik ke un-expected-an ini, suka sedih juga sih emang, kenapa alur hidup gue gabisa kaya yang lain yang terlihat very easy dan sesuai keinginan. Kaya, kenalan - deket - ngeceng satu sama lain- cocok - jadian deh. Ketidakberuntungan ku kadang membawa gue pada alur yang begini, gue ngeceng dia - temenan - temenan - temenan - selamanya. Oke bye! Hahahahahahahaha 

Case nya gak selalu begitu sih, tapi hampir semua endingnya gue hanya berteman baik dengan mereka. Gue rasanya ingin menertawakan diri sendiri. Oh iya sudah ya tadi diatas.

Tetapi teman-teman, semakin dewasa gue semakin memetik banyak pelajaran hidup yang berharga termasuk soal perasaan yang njelimet ini. Semakin gede, semakin gue gamau ambil pusing. Udah gamau ngode-ngode kaya anak pramuka lagi. Galau-galau kaya ABG apalagi, ewh! Tapi, kalo rindu ditengah-tengah hujan mah sih emang masih suka bikin krenyes-krenyes sedikit lah, sedikit aja.

Sekarang gue lebih seneng ngomong langsung sama orang nya, agar supaya tidak terjadi kesalahpahaman. Tentang apapun itu. Karena reyna yang sudah tua ini sudah malas menebak-nebak, malas memprediksi dan berpikir kalau komunikasi adalah hal yang sangat-sangat penting. If you think your feelings is an important things to talk about, then speak up. Terus gimana dong nanti jawabannya? Aduh tapi aku malu. Aduh tapi aku gak berani. Here the things you need to know, langkah apapun yang kamu ambil itu punya timbal balik nya masing-masing. its your life, feel free to choose. Gue juga begitu ko. Gak semua perasaan gue ceritain dan gak ke semua orang juga gue bisa di ceritain.

Perasaan dan tektek bengeknya adalah hak asasi manusia. Dan hak lo juga mau lo apain tuh si perasaan. As long as it not harm you and the people around you aja sih kalo menurut gue.


What do you think? Agree? Disagree?
Gak nyambung kan sama judul nya?
Gapapa.